Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
