Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
