i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize