i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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