mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
