I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
