it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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