My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
