I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
