Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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