hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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