in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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