Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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