she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
