I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize