I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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