If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
