i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize