Having a random hookup so left but love u
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
