someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
