Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
