Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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