I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
