a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize