On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
