Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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