Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
