Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
