Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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