He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
