Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
sex in a hospital.. check
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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