The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
