I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize