The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
