this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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