A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
