No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
