Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Congratulations! We have a period
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
