I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
