I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
