These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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