A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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