They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
did i walk over a car last night?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
