omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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