she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
