I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
