I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
