those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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