I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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