Banned from zoo.
Again?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
