I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
