i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
