he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
