There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
