Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
