why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
